Monday, February 06, 2017

"Adik cantik, adik baik..."


Never know that it would take me this long to finally write about her. She left us on 1st of February of 2017. A huge loss of mine that never crossed my mind that it would happen. I know we all either will leave or be left. But little did I know or expect that she will leave us this quick.

She fell sick around the time I fetched her at Abah's (my uncle) house. She complained of having back ache, saying that she fell on the bed. ON THE BED. So we thought nothing serious as it was on the bed, after all. Nevertheless I still brought her to Mak Mah, a famous massager at our kampung. And she was better, in sense of her movement. She needed not to crawl anymore, instead she may walk, though slowly.

We even had a BBQ night at Che's house. She enjoyed the food really well and acted like usual. After that only she had some fever, so she lied down and slept more than her usual of cracking jokes and kidding around, especially with me. 

On the day I shall leave to KL as the new semester is to be began and started, I managed to steal some time to afford her a small handbag that she had been asking for. Knowing her habit of keeping the thing without using it, I warned her to use the bag and expressed my willingness to buy new bag in case that bag has gone old. 

And that was on Sunday evening. On Wednesday morning, via family Whatsapp group, we got messages from Mak, together with some pictures. Pictures of her lying on the bed, not moving. She was found breathless at 4.30 am, but the family had to wait until Subuh to have someone to come and verify her condition. Ayah Jem, Mak's younger brother doctor, also Kak Lah, our neighbour who is a retired nurse as well as Dr Roslan, the doctor who treated her for her fever past days - they were all called by Mak - and those three informed the same thing - she has gone. 

I officially know about the matter at 9.15 am. I was having my first class of new semester, yet I decided to leave again. From Gombak, I went all the way to Kuantan, fetching Abang Mat before heading back to Pasir Mas via LPT2 instead of Gua Musang. We made it home at 4 pm, so we had the opportunity of seeing her for the last time before she was kept eternally, that was scheduled to take place after Asar prayer.

And there, I saw her, lying. She has been bathed, waiting to be clothed with her last cloth; kain kafan. And at that moment, Mek appproached her, mumbling something while brushing her wet hair. And Mek was crying. And I believe we who were there were also crying. It was so heartbreaking.

I followed Ayah and others to escort her to her new home. She was kept right beside Aytuk's tomb, so that was sort of reunion of them. Everything seemed unreal to me that I still have to remind myself that she is no longer with us in this world. 

And I also shall always remind myself not to worry about her, instead be worried about us who are being left. Because she, being a specially disable person during her life in this world, must be treated specially there. I believe she is being rested at a better place than she used to be in this world. And for that matter, I shall not be sad about her departure. She probably is doing well, even better, and happier than she was when she was alive. 

Frankly speaking, there is a part of me who could not wait to meet her there in Paradise, to see her in a normal form that she will be. So I can see how beautiful she actually is, as beautiful as how her heart was, when she was alive.

She was the only human that always, without failing, to see only good things in me. Everytime I am home, she will smile brightly and welcome me happily. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she will talk to herself - about me.

"Adik cantik, adik baik. Bagi itu ini. Adik pandai."

She could not meet and know many people. Thus it was easy for her to find me and my fellow sisters and cousins to be nice, pretty and smart persons, as we keep doing good things to her. And she was happy with that. So happy just to see us, so happy just to receive a bottle of baby powder, or even a hairclip, whatmore a lipstick, or a handbag. She liked to doll up, and sometimes she will summon me to her, to fix her selfmade make up and to wear her a scarf. And I am really, going to miss all those things. Of her calling me with good things, of her calling me to get her some tea, of her calling me to fix her make up. Oh dear :(

What regrets me was that I could have treated her better. Way better than I did. I should have spent more time with her, appreciating each and every word of hers, no matter how hard them to be understood. I should have watched more dramas with her, and listened to her recitation of this actor and that actress. I should have bought her more stuffs - bags, clips, pens and books (she liked to write also, though we found it hard to understand her writing), lipstick, snacks (she liked Mr Potato very much as she loved to collect the cans), and maaaaany moreeee! 

However, I believe she is being luxurious with all those things, there in a beautiful place. I really hope to be reunited with this beloved aunty of mine - biiznillah insha Allah.

And I suddenly remember that, another thing that regrets me is that - I promised myself once to show her off to my future husband, and even if possible, my kids. And that not being even close, she even didnt know who my partner is, and the only thing about her that I can tell them in the future is stories about her - how she loved and appreciated me - and how I love and appreciate her.

Rest in peace there, my dear special Che Lah. Insha Allah we will be reunited soon. May Allah reward me His mercy, so I can go to Jannah to meet you, my dear aunty. At that moment, I know - you will be looking beautiful - more beautiful than I am, who you always said so before, and more beautiful than how I have been looking at you at this while. 

For 56 years on this world, and for the 24 years of me knowing you  and giving me so many lessons and values of life, THANK YOU. Enjoy your time there, we will be following and meeting you soon.

Buat Siti Fadhilah binti Hj Hamzah,
1959 - 2017.

Wallahu'alam, wassalam.

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