Thursday, April 16, 2015

Of the selfishness and greediness.


I once used to have the kind of thought of wanting to die at early age, if possible before I reach puberty, as I will leave this world innocently, without any sin to be brought altogether with me. I then imagined that I will be brought directly to the Heaven, as the sins made by a kid like me (at that time), will not be taken into account, and I will be waiting for the time to meet my parents, one fine day, there in Heaven. (Please pardon a thinking of a primary school kid back then)

I could not imagine how I will grow bigger and older, with amount of sins that increase, day by day. I really wish that I can leave the world early, provided that I don't want to be someone who being left. It is okay if I leave, but I think that I am not strong enough to be someone who is left behind by someone else that I dear, such as my lovely parents, sibling, families or friends.

Yes, of that selfishness.

As I grow bigger and older, as I become more mature, and ultimately as I faced the demise of my dear Aytuk back then in January, I think that my thought has changed. As for a while, I do live with the previous thought of wanting to die at as early as possible of young age. But then, very recently, I think I has become more greedy, instead of being selfish as I used to do, previous years.

Countless time, whenever my heart goes to remember him and all my childhood memory with him, I can't help but tearing. My eyes will be flooded with tears, and my heart feels the pain as if it is being tore by something hard and painful. I, after getting back my sense, of course will have to seek refuge from ALLAH SWT, and will cup my hands to send at least a short prayer to him, altogether with recitation of Al-Fatihah from the bottom of my heart.

I miss him. Very much. All the moments that I recalled, count. Every moment with him that I remember, count. All pictures and videos of him make me miss him more. And though three months have passed, but still I have that kind of feeling like he is still with us in this world, while he actually already departs to another world.

If this kind of thing happens, I, quietly, will send him prayers, which at least I will seek for his forgiveness from ALLAH SWT. So that he will be in peace there, though without us as company. So that his graveyard will be his new home sweet home - huge and bright. So that he will be prevented from any punishment down in there. So that he can live happily there, with other mukminins and mukminats.

And all of a sudden, my greed comes. I want to live longer, get myself a family, who will do the same for me as what I do for Aytuk, once I leave the world later. A child, or grandchild, or any immediate family members that will always remember me no matter how long after I leave, that will always send me prayers whenever they think of me, that will always cherish me though I am in another world, that will always think that I still with them though we are actually in separated worlds.

And my greed does become bigger, as I become to think that let's grab the opportunity of this long live given by ALLAH SWT, to gain more rewards and to delete the sins as well as to ask the continous forgiveness and rahmah from ALLAH SWT. Told ya, my greed becomes bigger and bigger.

And I guess I am not the only one who has this kind of thinking. And I believe that I also not the only one who hopes for this kinds of thing.

May ALLAH give the best to us, fiddunya wal aakhiroh.

Semoga tenang di sana, Aytuk sayang. AlFatihah.

Wallahu'alam, wassalam.

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